Letters To My Former Self Part 2: A More Beautiful You
I’ve known what I was going to write about this week since last Sunday afternoon’s post. I wanted to start off the Letters To My Former Self series with this entry, but for reasons you’ll clearly understand in a minute, I had to work up the courage to write this.
If you’ve spent any amount of time with me, you’ve probably heard me reference the fact that I “used to have an eating disorder in college.” I only bring it up if it fits in with the conversation, and I say it rather nonchalantly so that people (particularly those who haven’t known me for very long) don’t think I’m some weirdo who likes to stick her head in the toilet.
While my “weirdness” may still be up for debate for a number of reasons, (after all, I do like to talk to my cats in baby voices…), it is not because I used to stick my finger down my throat. On the contrary, a 2008 survey by Self Magazine and the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill revealed that 65% of American women between the ages of 25-45 report having “disordered eating behaviors” with an additional 10% of women reporting behaviors consistent with bulimia, anorexia and binge eating disorder. Sadly, that means that women who don’t have bad thoughts about their bodies or engage in unhealthy eating behaviors are the “weird” ones.
Still, I was hesitant to share my personal struggle with all of you, until I re-read a quote I had written in one of my former journals:
“I don’t really regret much in my life, but I will never get back the time I spent worrying about what the scale said.” -Portia de Rossi, Actress and Former Anorexic.
And that’s just it. I can’t take back the years I lost to self-loathing, mild depression and bodily harm, but maybe I can prevent some of you from losing time. The following are excerpts from the journal entries I wrote during various stages of my eating disorder and my recovery:
Dear Diary,
I hate myself! I am a fat, nasty, stupid, ugly girl! Gosh! I am such a loser! I have seriously gained so much weight…
WHY?! WHY!? WHY!? Would I binge and then purge? Yep! That’s right. I threw up. I didn’t take two steps back. I took 20! It’s all Satan. He is trying to attack me from all sides, but I won’t allow it. I won’t give Up! I’m going to kick this disease…
I ate an english muffin with peanut butter for breakfast. I felt guilty because it was probably about 400 calories, so I need to be careful not to overeat at lunch…
I purged, and I then I ride my cabinet of “trigger” foods. An alcoholic wouldn’t keep alcohol in his house, so why should I keep things like peanut butter, chocolate or ice cream in mine…
I want to go to the grocery store and get some ice cream and eat until I can’t move. Why? Because I am lonely and I feel overweight and hopeless to ever lose the weight I need to lose…
If Jessica Alba is the standard by which mean judge women, then I will just have to do all that I can to look like Jessica Alba…
Unfortunately I have to get in the shower, which means I’m gonna have to look at my fat thighs…
I don’t want to be afraid to have dessert every once in a while, but I don’t wnat to have large amounts of it in an effort to avoid feeling how I feel at the time…
If I start binging and purging, it’s hard to stop. Sometimes it’s like an out-of-body experience. I literally feel like something is controlling me and I can’t stop…
I’m not going to write much of a response, except to say this: If what you just read reminds you of yourself or someone you know, please feel free to contact me at jennprentice@gmail.com. I’d love to send some encouragement–and some resources– your way.
Finally, I want you to know that it is only by God’s grace that I can sit here and say that I no longer struggle with an eating disorder. Sure, I still have my “fat days” (mostly around a certain time of the month), but binging and purging are not even a thought in my head. My life is a living testimony to Philippians 4:13.
To close, I’ll leave you with a link to a song called “More Beautiful You” by Christian artist Johnny Diaz. (I’m sure all you K-Love listeners are familiar with it already.) It’s everything I would have said to myself if I had known me then…
Until Tomorrow,
Jenn
P.S.- I’m pictured above with my college roommates, Leah and Haley, who initially called my parents during our freshman year to alert them to my eating disorder.
